AUTHOR'S NOTE: This 2nd place winning story for Give Me Passion's Quoted Writing Contest at Y! Gallery.  This is my original fiction.

I’m pathetic.  Who am I fooling that when I run away when I get back you’re still going to be there.  I must have lied to myself a lot of times that I can’t tell which is pretend which is real.

I hate this house.  I hate everything about it.  Because everything in it has a little bit of you in it.  And I can’t move.  I have to live here with all our memories and your ghost haunting the place.

Why can’t it work?  Why can’t you have her and me at the same time?  Why did you choose her when you said you love me more?  Can’t we at least give it a try?  Can’t we go back to what we were before all of these things happened?  I want it back.  Take it back.  Take back what you stole from me.  My happiness…my everything….you.

You won’t sleep with me because you said you don’t want to ruin our relationship.  But you go out each night, fuck every guy and girl so randomly sometimes you confuse yourself when you come home to me.  What am I then?  Your landlord?  Your keeper?  You won’t even kiss me.

Why do I put up with all of this shit?  How did I ever fall for someone like you?   We kissed only once and I followed you home, and never left your side ever since.

I hate the smell of that minty flavor after shave that you use; it hangs in the air in the bathroom even hours after you’ve gone.  I hate all the plants that you bring home.  There’s one in the bathroom and it’s so over grown, I wouldn’t be surprise if I find someone living in there or there is a jungle within the leaves.

The stray cat that you brought home had been begging me for food everyday as if it has a right to be here.  Pathetic loser.  That’s what I call myself.  Every time someone asked me if I have someone, I always reply, sort of.  And when they pushed, I would add, it’s complicated.   WTF is that, they often ask me.  What kind of answer is that?

I have a lover.  His name is Jerome.  But we don’t act like lovers.  But we live together.  We live together for five years and then one day he came home and told me he is moving out.  That he is getting married.  We had a huge fight, we end up kissing, and things got out of hand.  I left and when I got back he is gone.

I didn’t have anyone after that.  I pretended that you were just out every time I think of you and start missing you.  I pretended that its one of your usual mood swings but you would come home eventually and tell me that it was a joke.  And then we would take our relationship to the next level after five years of celibacy from each other.  Hell, Jerome.  If I wanted to abstain myself from having sex I would have become a priest.  I wanted sex.  I wanted you.   I didn’t push, I didn’t beg.  I had been patient for five years; I wanted to prove to you that I can love you even without that, that it’s not important to me just as long as I have you, that I can be with you.  But what went wrong?  Where did you go?  Why did you leave me?

“Hello?”

“Yes?  Who is it?”

“Is this Kyoji?”

“Yes, who wants to know?”  It’s a woman.  Who could it be?

“It’s Kana.  Jerome’s wife.”  She replied.  Click.

Why?  Why is she calling me?  Did Jerome tell her about me?  Then why?  I haven’t seen Jerome for two years now.  So if Jerome is messing around why would she call me?  Oh, God.

The phone rang again.  I ignored it.  It must have ringed ten times when it finally stopped.  She kept on calling for five days, keep leaving me messages needing to talk to me, wanting to talk to me.

What do you want from me?  You have Jerome, right?  He married you.  Why are you bugging me?  Leave me alone.  I had moved on.  I may still be at the same place, the same job.  But not because I’m still hoping that he would come back.  I just don’t want to lose the things I have left.

This is all I have.  You got the real thing.  But this is all I have.  Overgrown plants I can’t get myself to throw away, an annoying cat that had grown so big and attached to me even how much I ignore it.  The minty scent in the bathroom had long since faded, although at times it has faint remnants of it when I steamed the bathroom too long.  I had long changed the brand of my toothpaste.  I redecorate the house, now it’s mostly my style, although all your books are still there, gathering dusts.

Why now?  She left a very cryptic message that I decided to finally talk to her and get it over with.  We met at the bar close to where I work.

“Mocha latte and diet coke.” She said to the waiter before I could say something.  She smiled.   “You still like Mocha latte, right?” she asked.  I didn’t say anything.  How did she know that?

I looked at her.  So this is Kana.  This is the girl that stole my Jerome away.

She smiled.  “I’m a lesbian.” She said, leaning closer as if telling me a secret. 

I laughed, “You could have fooled me.” I said.

“I paid Jerome to marry me to get myself out a difficult situation.” she said.

“What? A girl got you pregnant?” I said, and laughed at my own stupid joke.  But she can see through me.  She can see through me and know what I am and who I am.

“Jerome was right.  You are everything he told me about.  Mocha latte, how you put the salt shaker and pepper on the side even though you’re not going to use it.  It’s a Wednesday, and there you are wearing your favorite mint green shirt.” She said, with a smile.  She wasn’t mocking me.  In fact her smile was sad.

“What the hell is this about anyway?  I got no time for your stupid ego trip, so you know all those things about me, big deal.” I said, angrily about to get up.  She put a hand on my hand to stop me.

“Please stay.” She said. 

I sat down again.   She smiled.  “Thank you, Kyoji.”

I just looked away.  Frozen, my mind was in a whirl waiting for her to tell me what is this about, what is it about Jerome that she wanted to talk to me about that she can’t say it over the phone.

“My parents loved me and accepted me as I am, my father has a business partner, and wanted to push a big contract, but the partner gave him a condition.” She began and looked at me.  “Me.” She said.

I didn’t say anything and just continued looking at her. 

“He wanted me to marry to his business partner’s son.  But it’s complicated, the son is an asshole, a womanizer and a sadist, he was known to beat women up.  That is probably why his father was scouting for a wife for his son.” She said.  I remained stoic.

“I met Jerome in the bar, I was drunk as hell.  My father came up with a solution, he also knows about the son.  And he saved me from divulging my secret about my deviation.  I have to find a husband.  And that’s where Jerome came into the picture.” She said.

“Then how come he has to leave me?” I asked.

“The business partner was desperate, his son has took a liking to me too when he told him about me.  So Jerome and I have to put up charade until the business partner and his son would leave me alone.  You see, the partner already signed the contract even before my father had told him his reply.  The partner was just making sure that everything is legit.”  She said.

I sat there quietly.  It only occurred to me just now that I never meant anything to Jerome.  That money is more important to him than me.  She took my hand again.

“He loved you; he loved you more than life.  We spent nights talking, and he always talked about you, how you were, what he loved about you.  He always has this look on his face, that I know he missed you.  And there are times I was tempted to call you and asked you to move in with us so he would be happy again.  He is so handsome when he smiles.  But he stopped doing that when we had to live together.  The last time I saw him really smile is when he came after he broke up with you.” She said.

I didn’t realize it.  But I was crying.  “He was so happy when he came to see me that night; he said he finally did it.  That he didn’t hold himself back anymore.  That he finally made love to you.” She was crying, too.

“You see, Kyoji.  Jerome had always loved you.  Although he has a weird way of showing it but he did.  He was so angry with himself because he is a bum and you were supporting him.  One of his reasons why he never slept with you or kisses you.  He was so afraid to go that far and you would get tired of him and leave him.” Kana said.

“You little fool.” I cried even harder.  “I don’t care about that, I don’t care if he just stayed home and never get a job, its not important to me, I love him and being with him is all that matters to me.”

“He took the money because of you.  He took the deal because of you.  And he died because of loving you.” She said.

I dropped the glass I was holding.  “What?  What did you say?  Repeat what you said?” I demanded, shaking her.  She cried harder.

I let her go; the waiter cleaned up the broken glass and brought me a new drink.  We remained quiet for a few minutes.  When she calmed down, she took something from her bag.  It was pictures.  It was pictures of me and Jerome.  When we were goofing off, got drunk one night and started fooling around, we were buck naked and holding each other, hugging each other.  It was one of those rare moments that we really acted as lovers.

“The son met one of Jerome’s friends at the club, and the friend told him that Jerome is gay and has a lover.  The son came to the bar where Jerome works and abducted him.  They interrogated him, tortured him.  He didn’t squeal on you and on me.  Good thing he left his wallet at home that day, or else the son would have found these pictures.” She said, and pushed them to me, and handed me Jerome’s wallet. 

And she also pushed a big envelope.  In it were money, stocks and bonds, all in my name.  I looked at her confuse.   “My father did everything to get that bastard behind bars.  Jerome held on until we got him in the hospital.  He held on longer to give me a key to his safe deposit box and tell me to give these to you.  He said this time you will be proud of him.  This time he can finally take care of you.”  She cried, and looked at me, “Then he called your name and he closed his eyes for the last time.”

We held each other crying.  Someone testified against the son and he got a life sentence for pre-meditated man slaughter.

We brought flowers and we both give each other a moment to say goodbye to Jerome.

Kana and I became friends after that.  Not because we were attracted to each other but probably because we both love Jerome in our own different way.  We held on to each other, so we can lean on each from losing that one person that connects us.  Once in awhile Kana and I will hang out like kids, I would sleep over her house and she would sleep over my house.  People often mistook us as lovers, we didn’t care.  We are happy this way.  We are sharing Jerome, immortalizing him with our memories of him.  And keep each other from forgetting him.  But I doubt we would forget him.  No, not Jerome.  Never Jerome.

“I asked Jerome once how do you know when the person is right for you, if there is a checklist of qualities a person should have to let you know they are the one.” She said, looking at me, we were lying down on the bed, after pigging out on ice cream, the cat on our feet, “He said, you come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. He said this by looking at your picture and he has this faraway smile on his face.” 

We continued this ritual for years.  Kana never found a girlfriend and I never hooked up with anybody.  We both agreed we don’t need anyone else because we got each other.  That we don’t need to be in love just to be happy.  We still cling on to his ghost, even years have gone by, and he is what connects us.  And every year, we would go to his grave and celebrate with him, all those occasions.  Christmas, Valentines and yes, his birthday.  We would bring food and beer and party.  I’m sure wherever Jerome is right now, he is happy that we got each other.  That we found the cure to our loneliness.   I could never find another person like Jerome, and I’m sure Kana would agree with me.  We may not love each other romantically, but because of fate, because of Jerome.  I would never give her up; I would never have anyone else take her away from me.  And I know she feels the same way like do. 

I’m sure there should be a time that we need to say goodbye, let Jerome’s ghost rest in peace.  That we should let him go, and so he can go on to his next life.  Living sometimes is even painful than dying.  Living a long life doesn’t mean much.  Life is like a dream.  I just happen to have a longer dream.

The next season Kana and I bought a house.  We went to Jerome’s grave.  We brought a seed to plant.  We came to say goodbye to the love that brought us together.  Jerome was the last person I want to bury in my heart, the one and only love that I would allow to live inside of me.

I never knew before why I was born.  But I do now.  Jerome was the proof that I ever existed.  He is the proof of our lives.  We will leave here but we won’t forget.  This seed will grow and will lived on, that even though we are not here, we left ourselves in that seed so we will always be with Jerome for always. We will leave a little of ourselves with the one love that we will never ever forget.

Owari