I never asked for a life like this.  I never thought I will end up like this.
This is not the way I thought love would be.  I never thought love
could be so unreachable, so untouchable not when I fell for someone
who can't be mine.  It hurts so much watching him from afar, knowing
he can't belong to me because he belongs to someone else.

If you only knew just how much I love you, more than he can love
you.  I can give you more than he can give you but, I don't want to
take you away from your happiness.  HE is your happiness.  You belong
to him, you belong to each other.

Everyone says I will get over this.  Ira is gone yet I know even if Ira
just dumped him and not go on the next life, Vince will still not be mine.
The world has moved on, eager to forget, impatient to get on the next
thing, whatever that is.  Just let me forget about Vince.  "He wasn't the
one for you," they say kindly.  How would you know?  How would
you know what Vince is in my life?  I still wish that Ira is still here so,
even if he is not mine, he is still there.  I would still have an excuse to
message him, talk to him.   Now, our common denominator is taken
out without any remainder.  So, that's it then.  Vince went on his way.
Some would be even kind enough to go all the way to match me with
their roommates, "I know someone who's perfect for you," as if it
were easy to bounce back into a new relationship even though I never
have one in the first place.  IT'S COMPLICATED.   Remember these
infamous line?  Whenever they asked your status in friendster, there's
this status, It's complicated.  Yep, mine is complicated alright.  I'm
in love with my gay best friend's boyfriend.  Ira is gone now, unto
his next life, but so did Vince.  No, Vince didn't die or killed himself
over Ira's untimely death but, he conspicuously taken himself out of
the picture, out of my life for that matter.  Subtle move, making work
as a common excuse not to reply back or return a call.  But I got the
hint quite clearly, Vince, I'm not slow, Lay off, Bitch, you're not my
type, although I never think that Vince would call me that or use that
word but, I know that's what he meant, I could read between the lines.
The one that grates on the nerves the most is, "There are plenty of men
out there, Alex, real men not gay men!" I tell them I have no idea how
to hook up with a real guy, I'm rusty when it comes to the modern
dating; I wouldn't know what bait to use. Laugh, laugh, laugh. 
Leave me alone.

Todd is the only one who hasn't said I'll get over this.  Perhaps he
knows me better than anyone else, or knows I don't want to get over
this.  Because getting over it isn't the point for me.  I had something in
my life that was beautiful and true.  And that isn't something to get over.

Vince buzz me today.  He buzzes me maybe once a week now, not nearly
as often as when we were hanging out with his lover.  At first there were
desperate phone calls in the middle of the night from both sides of the world.
Back then, he said that he is back to his old self now.  He got over Ira's
death now that he is moving on,  Since then, he stopped messaging me.

"Dearest Alex," he wrote by e-mail today.  At least I still have that
distinction-the superlative "Dearest Alex" not the common "Dear Alex"
or the familiar and merely friendly "Hey, Alex" or the cold "Alex"
followed by comma, or God forbid, a colon.  Vince and I knew that
the smallest things, like "Dearest," mattered.

Except now there is no Vince and I. Well, as his other best friend, that
is.  Just me and plenty of other fish in the sea.

"Life is so different here," he wrote.  "In many ways, it's very lonely.
All I have is my family, and after keeping myself busy with work and
school, cooped up indoors with all of them for days on end, I feel like
screaming at them sometimes.  I miss Ira, what we had.  I miss our
nightly chats on YM and your occasional calls.  Somehow, I miss your
company, too.  Even if I have friends here, they don't know me the same
way you and Ira know me, and that makes me sad.

"I'll be going to school in a few weeks.  I went to the campus yesterday
and got everything in order,  It was over in minutes.  Again, it made me
sad.  Ira would be jumping for joy over these news, He would talk non-
stop about senseless things and you would back him up, and you guys
would gang up on me.  I miss that.

"I miss you.  I can still say that, I think, without going crazy."

I reply, "I start work soon.  I think you'll be proud of me.  I never really
saw myself in food service, but the idea is starting to appeal to me.  I'm
actually looking forward to starting work.

I still think I'm going crazy sometimes.  Mostly because I am always
thinking of you.  You are the first person I think when I wake up, and
I fall asleep thinking of you.  I know that you've got a new life now,
that you've move on, but the rest of me hasn't realized it yet and goes
on loving you.  My dearest Vincent, I love you, I love you, I love you,
but I will stop saying it if you ask me."

After clicking on the send button, there is nothing left to do.  The afternoon
lies before me, empty, with only myself to keep myself company.  These
times are the worst.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I imagine everything will be all right.  Vince
will dramatically come home to me, he'll declare that he is also feeling
the same thing I'm feeling since the start.  I knew he used to have a real
girlfriend before Ira but they fall out of love and Ira was the love of his
life.  I was brave or stupid enough to tell him that I got a big crush on
him and that I'm falling for him the same Ira fell for him, Vincent Lopez
was really one remarkable person, any creature would be awed by the
sight of him, a dream, a unique person, that sometimes I want to sic on
his former girlfriend and bash her head in for making him afraid to
fall for another girl again, or even trust, for that matter.  In my head,
it's like a movie with one of those Disney endings that sing, "Happily
ever after."  And it hurts because I know my fantasy can't come true.

I imagine how things will be in the future-when Vince finally comes home.
He'll be older, well, I'm still older than him, but, hell, age doesn't matter,
looking different from the way I remember him, speaking with that voice
that makes my inside goes haywire.  But I'll be able to pick his face out
of the crowd in an instant.  We'll kiss hello, marvel at how we had both
changed, drop what we're doing, and have coffee together. Then, because
everything would be different, we'll say goodbye, and return to our lives,
without regret.  And this version equally hurts because it could be true.

The phone rings.  It's Todd, checking on how I am.

"Miserable," I tell him, "torturing myself."

I still talk to Todd a lot.  In an ironic little twist, Todd hardly talk to
Vince nowadays.  I don't know why, but they don't know what to say
to each other or so Todd says.  Twenty years down the road, how come
Todd and I never hooked up, I was afraid to lose him, I guess, I already
lost one best friend, I don't want to lose another one, not the one who
is still alive.  As it is now, we're closer than ever before, maybe Todd
finally understood what am going through.

"What are you doing tonight?" Todd asked.

"Playing video games with some friends and probably watch a horror
flick after." I replied.

"You take care, Alex.  You know I would always be here if you need me."
Todd says before he hangs up.  "Stop torturing yourself.  That's an
order."

On the way home, it's Sandy's turn. Smelling of subs and meat, she took
off her apron and give me a pat on the back.  "Tell me, Alex, could it have
turned out any other way?"  Sandy doesn't have to explain.  We both know
what she means by "it".

"Maybe if I met him before he met his girlfriend," I say, "things would have
been different.  I never would have done the same thing his ex did to him, no,
I won't be foolish enough to let that kind of guy go, no, not Vince.  We could
have put more on the line.  But, I guess, I'm not the girlfriend material he is
looking for, or the love he really needs.  So, I guess things happened precisely
the way they were meant to."

"Will you ever regret it?"

"It hurts like hell, man.  But no, there's nothing to regret.  I loved him as much
as I could, and I was loved just as much in return.  And that's more than most
people can say at the end."

Sandy looks at me while turning off the Subway sign, and smiles a strange
smile.

"What is it?" I asked, waiting for her by the door.

"You'll be fine, " she says, laughing.
"You'll be fine." And soon, I find myself laughing, too.

And I know Sandy is right.  I have everything to be thankful for: great
friends, twenty years behind me, the rest of my life before me.

I wouldn't hold my breathe for Vince's reply.  I'm satisfied that he knows
what I feel for him.  If he didn't, it would be okay, at least he already knows
and that's all that matters.

What's next in Alex's life?  I have no idea.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.