GRAVITATION
Twent47blue
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Twent47blue Fictions by Marion Belanio is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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Gravitation
I Am You Possession
I WANT TO POSSES YOU, YOUR HEART, YOUR EVERYTHING. I WANT TO CARVE OUT MY EXISTENCE IN YOUR LIFE AND GET YOU TO NOTICE ME. I WANT YOU TO FEEL MY PRESENCE, TO KNOW MY EMOTIONS THAT EVEN IF THESE EMOTIONS THAT WOULD EXTINGUISH SOME TIME, I STILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THEM AND FEEL THEM. FEEL ME.
I THOUGHT THAT IF I LOSE SIGHT OF YOU, I WOULD FORGET. FORGET YOU. BUT I WAS WRONG. EVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE, I STILL LONG FOR YOU. AND THE PAIN IN MY CHEST HURT MORE EVERY TIME I REMEMBER YOU.
YOUR KISS, YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR HAIR, YOUR FINGERS, YOU HAVE THIS SMELL ATTACHED TO YOU ALWAYS, AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY, LIKE I WAS SWOONING EVERY TIME YOU ARE NEAR. IT INTOXICATES ME, POSSES ME TO NO END. I DON'T THINK I WOULD EVER GET RID OF THIS NEW FOUND ADDICTION CALLED YOU. IT HOLDS ME, MY WHOLE BEING, ITS CLOSELY DRIVING ME INSANE WITH WANT AND NEED TO HAVE A TASTE, TO HAVE A LICK, TO HAVE A KISS, TO HAVE A SMELL OF THIS INTOXICATING APHRODISIAC CALLED YOU.
I HAVE DELUDED MYSELF COUNTLESS OF TIMES THAT I DON'T NEED YOU. BUT ONCE YOU WERE GONE, I WAS SO LOST AND DEVASTATED THAT THE TIME THAT WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER AND THE TIME WE'VE SPENT APART, AFFECTED MY WHOLE BEING MUCH MORE THAN ANY OTHER EVENT IN MY LIFE. YOU HAVE AFFECTED ME MORE THAN THE PEOPLE I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS AND HAVE GREW UP WITH. YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME MUCH MORE THAN ANYONE WHO WAS IN MY WORLD COULD EVER COULD.
THE CALL OF YOUR VOICE IS MY EVERYTHING. MY COMMAND. I DON'T MIND IF YOU POSSES ME, MAKE ME YOURS. WHEN YOU CALLED ME, I HEARD YOU, IT WAS THE ONLY VOICE THAT I AM ATTUNE TO, AS IF IT REAWAKENS ALL MY SENSES, AND LIKE A COMPUTER I HAVE REBOOTED AND AWAITING YOUR NEW COMMANDS. NO MATTER WHERE I AM, I ALWAYS FIND MYSELF SEARCHING FOR YOU, AND I ALWAYS, YES, ALWAYS FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU. I ALWAYS WANT TO BE BY YOUR SIDE, THERE'S NO OTHER PLACE I WOULD RATHER BE, THAN WITH YOU.
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME BELONGS TO YOU, I AM YOUR POSSESSION, MY EYES, LIPS, BODY,EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS YOURS AND YOURS ALONE. I COULD NEVER BELONG TO ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU. AS IF THERE IS A STAMP ON MY FOREHEAD THAT SAYS I AM COPYRIGHTED ONLY TO BE USED BY YOU. MY VOICE, MY LIPS CAN ONLY CALL OUT YOUR NAME, MY VOCABULARY IS LIMITED, IT ONLY CONSIST OF WORDS THAT WOULD ONLY SING PRAISES TO YOU AND CATER TO YOU. AND MY HEART HAS ONLY ONE NAME CARVE AND ETCHED FOREVER WITH, AND THAT IS YOUR NAME ALONE. NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE SPACE IN IT, BECAUSE IT IS ALREADY FILLED UP AND OCCUPIED BY YOU ALONE. MY DESTINY IS CONTROLLED BY YOU AND YOU ALONE. I TRAVEL ONE AXIS, ONE PATH...I DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER ROUTE EXCEPT THE WAY THAT WOULD LEAD TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD. EXCEPT THAT...I AM YOUR POSSESSION.
I THOUGHT THAT IF I LOSE SIGHT OF YOU, I WOULD FORGET. FORGET YOU. BUT I WAS WRONG. EVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE, I STILL LONG FOR YOU. AND THE PAIN IN MY CHEST HURT MORE EVERY TIME I REMEMBER YOU.
YOUR KISS, YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR HAIR, YOUR FINGERS, YOU HAVE THIS SMELL ATTACHED TO YOU ALWAYS, AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY, LIKE I WAS SWOONING EVERY TIME YOU ARE NEAR. IT INTOXICATES ME, POSSES ME TO NO END. I DON'T THINK I WOULD EVER GET RID OF THIS NEW FOUND ADDICTION CALLED YOU. IT HOLDS ME, MY WHOLE BEING, ITS CLOSELY DRIVING ME INSANE WITH WANT AND NEED TO HAVE A TASTE, TO HAVE A LICK, TO HAVE A KISS, TO HAVE A SMELL OF THIS INTOXICATING APHRODISIAC CALLED YOU.
I HAVE DELUDED MYSELF COUNTLESS OF TIMES THAT I DON'T NEED YOU. BUT ONCE YOU WERE GONE, I WAS SO LOST AND DEVASTATED THAT THE TIME THAT WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER AND THE TIME WE'VE SPENT APART, AFFECTED MY WHOLE BEING MUCH MORE THAN ANY OTHER EVENT IN MY LIFE. YOU HAVE AFFECTED ME MORE THAN THE PEOPLE I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS AND HAVE GREW UP WITH. YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME MUCH MORE THAN ANYONE WHO WAS IN MY WORLD COULD EVER COULD.
THE CALL OF YOUR VOICE IS MY EVERYTHING. MY COMMAND. I DON'T MIND IF YOU POSSES ME, MAKE ME YOURS. WHEN YOU CALLED ME, I HEARD YOU, IT WAS THE ONLY VOICE THAT I AM ATTUNE TO, AS IF IT REAWAKENS ALL MY SENSES, AND LIKE A COMPUTER I HAVE REBOOTED AND AWAITING YOUR NEW COMMANDS. NO MATTER WHERE I AM, I ALWAYS FIND MYSELF SEARCHING FOR YOU, AND I ALWAYS, YES, ALWAYS FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU. I ALWAYS WANT TO BE BY YOUR SIDE, THERE'S NO OTHER PLACE I WOULD RATHER BE, THAN WITH YOU.
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME BELONGS TO YOU, I AM YOUR POSSESSION, MY EYES, LIPS, BODY,EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS YOURS AND YOURS ALONE. I COULD NEVER BELONG TO ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU. AS IF THERE IS A STAMP ON MY FOREHEAD THAT SAYS I AM COPYRIGHTED ONLY TO BE USED BY YOU. MY VOICE, MY LIPS CAN ONLY CALL OUT YOUR NAME, MY VOCABULARY IS LIMITED, IT ONLY CONSIST OF WORDS THAT WOULD ONLY SING PRAISES TO YOU AND CATER TO YOU. AND MY HEART HAS ONLY ONE NAME CARVE AND ETCHED FOREVER WITH, AND THAT IS YOUR NAME ALONE. NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE SPACE IN IT, BECAUSE IT IS ALREADY FILLED UP AND OCCUPIED BY YOU ALONE. MY DESTINY IS CONTROLLED BY YOU AND YOU ALONE. I TRAVEL ONE AXIS, ONE PATH...I DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER ROUTE EXCEPT THE WAY THAT WOULD LEAD TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD. EXCEPT THAT...I AM YOUR POSSESSION.
Goodbye To An Angel
I REALLY DON'T KNOW YOU QUITE WELL. BUT YOUR SUDDEN PASSING BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES. YOU ARE LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME AND KNOWING THAT MY ALEX HAD LOST HER BEST FRIEND SADDENS ME. I WAS IN SHOCK HEARING THE NEWS AND IT PROBABLY HURTS DOUBLY NOW TO YOUR PARENTS YOU LEFT BEHIND, ESPECIALLY YOUR MOM WHO WOULD PROBABLY CARRY THE GUILT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
KAYE.WATCH OVER ALEX WHEN YOU ARE UP THERE. I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY CLOSE. I WISH I WAS THERE WHEN YOU AND YOUR MOM HAD AN ACCIDENT. IS TILL COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE GONE. SO YOUNG. I GUESS, ALL ANGELS DIES YOUNG. I'M HAPPY THAT I STILL HAVE A MEMORY OF YOUR SMILING FACE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU. AND YOU MUST HAVE GROWN UP TO BE A PRETTY YOUNG LADY THE SAME WITH MY DAUGHTER.
REST NOW. REST IN PEACE.WE WOULD PRAY FOR YOU AND HELP AND GUIDE YOU TO YOUR JOURNEY. REMEMBER THAT WE LOVE YOU. AND WE WOULD MISS YOU TERRIBLY NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE AND ALL THAT IS LEFT IS THE ECHO OF YOUR LAUGHTER, THE TINGLE OF YOUR SOFT VOICE AND THAT WONDERFUL SUNSHINE OF YOUR SMILE. SO LONG, KAYE.IT'S BETTER NOT TO SAY GOODBYE...MAYBE GOOD NIGHT. OR SEE YOU LATER.BECAUSE I KNOW NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE GOING YOU WOULD ALWAYS WATCH OVER US, ESPECIALLY MY VERY OWN ANGEL, AND YOUR BEST FRIEND.
GOOD NIGHT, KAYE. SEE YOU LATER.
Remembering You
Why? Just because I'm lonely? Just because I couldn't stand being away from you? I made a lot of excuses that time in my life, most of them selfish. It's all me. And what happened, I got only myself to blame.
I have a new life now. A brand new page to add to my memories. And who would have thought that I have to dig up memories from old letters and photographs. It was an old hurt, I shouldn't be affected anymore by it. I shouldn't be hurt anymore from it but the first letter had me crying the minute I started reading it. Oh, gads. What have I done? Why did I do it? Going through them made me realize how stupid people could be. I have hurt you so badly. And along with that hurt, I know comes hate. That you hated me and it would live and follow me for the rest of my life.
As I read more of your letters to me, the more pain I felt, it was harder to breath. I did this. I deserve this. It was amazing how much you had faith in me, how much you have loved me. This wonderful person who moved their world around me, I completely destroyed this person. You said I was wonderful and amazing, that I had loved so much, and had the patience to understand you, to draw you out of your shell. I should have left you there if I was going to hurt you. I shouldn't have violated and crowded you in your space. No matter how amazing you think I am, I hurt you. I made you lose faith in love. I made you withdraw back to the old shell that you had burrowed yourself in. I made youlose faith in me.
I know that the words I'm sorry is the mos tused up word that I have uttered to you a million times over, that no matter if I say them another million times more things would never change. The hurt wouldn't go away. It would never bring you back. But if you happen to read this. Allow me to say it again. That I do hope you are happy now. That I do hope you finally found someone else to love, someone who would treat you better than I ever did. Because no matter how you think I'm amazing back then, I was this sore loser who was selfish enough to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I hope someday you would find it in your heart to forgive me. But if you have forgotten about me, I won't blame you. I deserve it. You have unlock the door to your heart and let me in, and I left it wide open and trample all over your heart. I don't even deserve to be called your past love.
So if someone ask me who is amazing. I would say it was you. You are the amazing one and I was the luckiest person who happen to fall in love with you. Thank you for that chance. I may not get the chance again, I may not see you again. But allow me this moment to reminisce about the most wonderful person that have ever entered my life. You are one in a million, and I don't think I would ever meet another you in this lifetime.
Steal Away
LOVE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A PERSUASIVE ILLUSION. IT'S LIKE A DRUG. IT'S JUST A TEMPORARY RELIEF THAT GETS YOU HIGH ONE MINUTE AND LOW THE NEXT. I'VE ALREADY PAID MY DUES FOR MY LESSONS, SO I'VE DECIDED TO AT LEAST BECOME A LITTLE WISER.
IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME TO GIVE YOU UP, SO DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO BEING GREEDY, I WON'T GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE AGAIN.
I HAVE OBEYED YOUR WORDS, AS IF THEY WERE WORD SPELL THAT I CANNOT UNDO AND CAN ONLY OBEY. I INDULGE EVERY WHIM THOSE SINFUL LIPS COMMANDS ME TO DO. I WRITHE AND DANCE UNDER YOUR EXPERT HANDS, I LET MY BODY BE TAINTED AND SATED TO THE POINT OF EXHAUSTION UNTIL I FEEL NOTHING. AND SURRENDERED TO NOTHINGNESS. I LET OUT CRIES OF PLEASURE AND CRIES OF PAIN, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. MY LIPS CALLING ONLY ONE NAME, LIKE A CHANT,MY SUTRA, I KEPT REPEATING UNTIL ITS THE ONLY WORD THAT PASSES MY LIPS.
HOW COULD I NOT SEE YOU...WHEN MY EYES COULD ONLY FOLLOW YOU? HOW CAN I NOT FEEL YOU...WHEN EVEN YOUR MERE PRESENCE NEVER FAILS TO MAKE MY HEART SKIP A BEAT.
AND NOW EVERYTHING IS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, LIKE IT NEVER EXISTED BEFORE, LIKE WE NEVER EXISTED BEFORE. DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT IS? HOW EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL IT IS TO GET UP EACH DAY AND TRY TO REMEMBER THAT I'M STILL PART OF THE LIVING, THAT EVEN IF HALF OF ME HAD BEEN COMPLETELY RIPPED OUT OF ME, I MUST GO ON. I MUST MOVE ON.
I NEVER KNEW A LIFE BEFORE WHEN THERE WAS NO YOU IN MY LIFE, AND NOW I'M FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO MANAGE EVEN THE SIMPLEST OF THINGS. THAT EVERYTHING AROUND ME HAS MEANING BECAUSE I HAVE YOU,BUT WHEN YOU'VE GONE, THE LIFE AROUND ME HAS ALSO MANAGED TO TURN GRAY.THE BED SEEMS BIG NOW WITH JUST ME SLEEPING IN IT. I HAVE TO CHANGE THE ANSWERING MACHINE WHICH HAS OUR VOICES IN IT, BUT SOMEHOW I DON'T WANT TO. AS IF HOLDING ON TO THE REMNANTS OF THE PERSON WHO HURT ME THE MOST.
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. YOU WERE AND STILL ARE MY LIFE. BUT I GUESS, FOR YOU THAT'S NO LONGER POSSIBLE, BECAUSE EVEN BEFORE THE HEAT OF THE PLACE WHERE I USE TO FILL TURN COLD, SOMEONE HAS ALREADY TAKEN MY PLACE, EVEN LONG BEFORE I EVEN VACATED IT. I KNEW FROM THE START NOTHING LAST FOREVER, THAT PEOPLE KEPT TELLING YOU OR ME, THAT WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE THAT ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, ONE OF US WOULD DECIDE TO LEAVE. AND YOU DID. TWO YEARS. SIGH. THIS WAS OUR THIRD YEAR. NOW I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE REST OF THE YEARS ALONE. I DON'T THINK I CAN MANAGE TO GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP AND END UP WITH THESE FEELINGS AGAIN. I'M GETTING OLD FOR THIS KIND OF STUFF.
IT'S LONELY LIKE THIS. AND THERE WERE TIMES THAT I FIND MYSELF RE-LIVING OUR TIMES,REMEMBERING YOU. YOU CANNOT FORGET SOMEONE WHO HAD BEEN THE FOCAL POINT OF YOUR LIFE. YOU WERE MY CENTER, MY AXIS, MY PATH...MY EVERYTHING. NOW I HAVE TO MAKE IT ALL THROUGH EVERYTHING ALL BY MYSELF, CREATE MY OWN PATH, FOLLOW MY OWN ROAD.ITS GOING TO BE TOUGH, DIFFICULT. BUT ITS SOMETHING THAT IS NOT ALIEN TO ME, I HAD BEEN THROUGH THIS ROAD BEFORE,AND I KNEW IT LIKE I KNEW THE BACK OF MY HAND. IT WOULD BE AWHILE. IT MAY EVEN TAKE YEARS BEFORE I GET BACK TO NORMAL AGAIN. BUT...SIGH.THAT'S LIFE, I GUESS.
NO, I WON'T FORGET. SOME PEOPLE WOULD SAY I SHOULD. BUT NO, I WON'T. YOU ARE MY BREATH, MY EVERY SIGH, MY EYES COULD ONLY LOOK AT YOU, MY SKIN COULD ONLY REMEMBERS YOUR TOUCH. THAT IS SOMETHING YOU COULD NEVER FORGET. ITS LIKE THE SAME AS FORGETTING MY OWN EXISTENCE. I WOULD REMEMBER AND ACCEPT. THAT ONCE IN MY LIFE, I HAD MY EVERYTHING. AND MY EVERYTHING HAD FOUND SOMEONE NEW.
All That Is Left
I HAD KNOWN YOU FOR A LONG TIME, AND I THOUGHT I WOULD KNOW YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. BUT THINGS CHANGED. AND NOW YOU'RE GONE. IT HURTS TO KEEP SEEING YOU WHEN YOU ARE IGNORING ME. SO I SAID MY GOODBYES. BUT YOU TOLD ME YOU WILL BE SAD WHEN I'M GONE. BUT HOW COME THE PLACE I USE TO OCCUPY BELONGS TO SOMEBODY ELSE NOW? THE SMILE THAT USED TO BE EXCLUSIVELY FOR ME IS DIRECTED TO SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN ME, THOSE WORDS THAT YOU ECHOED OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT MEANT ONLY FOR ME IS NOW BEING SAID TO SOMEONE NOT ME.
ALL I KNOW IS YOU, ALL I DREAM OF IS YOU. DO I LOVE YOU? DO YOU LOVE ME? EVERYDAY, EVERY NIGHT, YOU FILL MY SENSES LIKE AIR, LIKE BLOOD. I HAD CRIED NIGHT AFTER NIGHT IN SEARCH OF MY MEANING, MY TRUE SELF. MY HEART IS HEAVY WITH DESPERATION, CAN YOU UNDERSTAND? I KNOW NOTHING OF MYSELF OTHER THAN THE ME WHEN I AM WITH YOU.
HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG? HAVE I SAID SOMETHING WRONG TO MAKE YOU LOSE FAITH IN ME? I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. YOU SAID I AM YOUR LIFE. AND NOTHING WOULD BE THE SAME WITHOUT ME. BUT I FOUND YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN YOUR LIFE OTHER THAN ME. SOMEONE WHO TOOK AWAY YOUR SMILE, SOMEONE WHO TOOK AWAY ALL THE STUFF THAT USED TOBE MINE...YOUR SMILE, YOUR LAUGH, YOUR CARESS, YOUR HUGS, YOUR KISSES,YOUR VOICE...AND ALSO TOOK ALL THE YOU I HAVE KNOWN, SNATCHED AWAY,STOLEN LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT. DID YOU ALLOW IT? DID YOU LET THEM TAKE YOU WITHOUT THINKING OF ME? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME?
I BELIEVE YOU DID. YOU FORGOT. ALL ABOUT ME. ALL ABOUT YOU AND ME. I AM NOT EVEN A MEMORY, AND JUST A GLIMMER LEFT OF MY EXISTENCE IN YOUR LIFE. HOW SAD THAT IT COULD BE THAT WAY. THAT YOU LET SOMEONE TAKE MY PLACE. THAT YOU LET SOMEONE STEAL YOU AWAY FROM ME.
JUST LET ME GO. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. JUST LET ME GO, AND LET ME LEAVE. RELEASE ME FROM YOUR EMBRACE, RELEASE ME FROM YOUR TOUCH, RELEASE MY HEART THAT WHICH YOU HOLD. SET ME FREE, I BEG THEE. I'M NO LONGER HAPPY FROM THIS COLD PLACE YOU LEFT ME IN. I AM NO LONGER THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU ONCE HOLD. I AM JUST NOTHING. NO ONE. NO ONE THAT YOU HOLD DEAR. SO WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE IF I STAYED? EVEN IF YOU BEG, WHAT PURPOSE WOULD I SERVE IN YOUR LIFE, OTHER THAN THE SOMEONE THAT YOU USED TO LOVE?WHAT KIND OF EXISTENCE WOULD IT BE FOR ME, IF I AM NOTHING THAN SOMEONE THAT WAS THERE AND NOW GONE. I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. AND SADLY, EVEN IF MY HEART IS STILL FILLED WITH YOU, I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE. THE YOU AND THE ME THAT WAS THEN IS NOW GONE, GONE ALONG WITH THE SHIFTING SAND ON A BEACH, ALONG WITH YESTERDAY'S SUNSET, GONE ALONG WITH THE FADED SCRIBBLES ON A WORN CRUMPLED PAPER. THAT IS ALL THAT IS LEFT. AND I KNOW MY MEANING IS THE SAME AS IT LEFT. JUST A GLIMMER, AN ECHO OF A PAST LONG FORGOTTEN. SO CLOSE THE BOOK, MY LOVE. THE STORY OF YOU AND I HAD ENDED. PUT IT BACK IN ITS OLD PLACE. AND IF SOMEHOW, YOU FOUND THAT OLD MEMORY THAT WE USED TO SHARE. PICK ME UP AGAIN, AND LET'S START ANEW CHAPTER TOGETHER.
ALL I KNOW IS YOU, ALL I DREAM OF IS YOU. DO I LOVE YOU? DO YOU LOVE ME? EVERYDAY, EVERY NIGHT, YOU FILL MY SENSES LIKE AIR, LIKE BLOOD. I HAD CRIED NIGHT AFTER NIGHT IN SEARCH OF MY MEANING, MY TRUE SELF. MY HEART IS HEAVY WITH DESPERATION, CAN YOU UNDERSTAND? I KNOW NOTHING OF MYSELF OTHER THAN THE ME WHEN I AM WITH YOU.
HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG? HAVE I SAID SOMETHING WRONG TO MAKE YOU LOSE FAITH IN ME? I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. YOU SAID I AM YOUR LIFE. AND NOTHING WOULD BE THE SAME WITHOUT ME. BUT I FOUND YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN YOUR LIFE OTHER THAN ME. SOMEONE WHO TOOK AWAY YOUR SMILE, SOMEONE WHO TOOK AWAY ALL THE STUFF THAT USED TOBE MINE...YOUR SMILE, YOUR LAUGH, YOUR CARESS, YOUR HUGS, YOUR KISSES,YOUR VOICE...AND ALSO TOOK ALL THE YOU I HAVE KNOWN, SNATCHED AWAY,STOLEN LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT. DID YOU ALLOW IT? DID YOU LET THEM TAKE YOU WITHOUT THINKING OF ME? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME?
I BELIEVE YOU DID. YOU FORGOT. ALL ABOUT ME. ALL ABOUT YOU AND ME. I AM NOT EVEN A MEMORY, AND JUST A GLIMMER LEFT OF MY EXISTENCE IN YOUR LIFE. HOW SAD THAT IT COULD BE THAT WAY. THAT YOU LET SOMEONE TAKE MY PLACE. THAT YOU LET SOMEONE STEAL YOU AWAY FROM ME.
JUST LET ME GO. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU. JUST LET ME GO, AND LET ME LEAVE. RELEASE ME FROM YOUR EMBRACE, RELEASE ME FROM YOUR TOUCH, RELEASE MY HEART THAT WHICH YOU HOLD. SET ME FREE, I BEG THEE. I'M NO LONGER HAPPY FROM THIS COLD PLACE YOU LEFT ME IN. I AM NO LONGER THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE THAT YOU ONCE HOLD. I AM JUST NOTHING. NO ONE. NO ONE THAT YOU HOLD DEAR. SO WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE IF I STAYED? EVEN IF YOU BEG, WHAT PURPOSE WOULD I SERVE IN YOUR LIFE, OTHER THAN THE SOMEONE THAT YOU USED TO LOVE?WHAT KIND OF EXISTENCE WOULD IT BE FOR ME, IF I AM NOTHING THAN SOMEONE THAT WAS THERE AND NOW GONE. I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. AND SADLY, EVEN IF MY HEART IS STILL FILLED WITH YOU, I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE. THE YOU AND THE ME THAT WAS THEN IS NOW GONE, GONE ALONG WITH THE SHIFTING SAND ON A BEACH, ALONG WITH YESTERDAY'S SUNSET, GONE ALONG WITH THE FADED SCRIBBLES ON A WORN CRUMPLED PAPER. THAT IS ALL THAT IS LEFT. AND I KNOW MY MEANING IS THE SAME AS IT LEFT. JUST A GLIMMER, AN ECHO OF A PAST LONG FORGOTTEN. SO CLOSE THE BOOK, MY LOVE. THE STORY OF YOU AND I HAD ENDED. PUT IT BACK IN ITS OLD PLACE. AND IF SOMEHOW, YOU FOUND THAT OLD MEMORY THAT WE USED TO SHARE. PICK ME UP AGAIN, AND LET'S START ANEW CHAPTER TOGETHER.
Something Called Love
How could anyone love so much? How could a human body endure such pain? How could a heart love and give love so much? Tell me why? Are humans really stupid when it comes to love? Are we really blind, deaf and mute, stupid and dense when it comes to certain affliction called love? You will curse the whole world, defy gravity and life just for that. Just for one feeling that you cannot shake,that you cannot forget, that you cannot fathom...why? I don't think even Einstein can help you, 'cause it even defies gravity, not even Bethoven can find the notes for you to play, its been played indifferent version since time immemorial, no, not even Sidney Sheldon can find the right romance novel for you, its all over history, even in papyrus, using different forms, hieroglyphics or even alibata or sign language and smoke signals, it is translated and transcribed in all shapes, language and forms. Even all form of creatures know what it is and how to express it. It's been written, recorded since the first man.So it will always be here...its something unexplainable, it is something that will always be there no matter what, whether you acknowledge it or not. Whether you like it or not. It is there like the sky has always been there, it is there like you knowing night would fall when the sun comes down. Its one of the things that you often wonder why it exist. It is there, and it will always be...love.
The Past That Bind Us
All I need is you. Your smiling face, your sweet words…that is all my heart needs to make me last through out the day. Just the thought of you makes me smile and sigh and say to myself I’m glad I have you.
There may not be enough words, or sometimes it feels like everything is one sided. Still I don’t care. I would hold on to everything that you would cast my way. Though at times, it seems on the surface you don’t really care. I wouldn’t need the world just as long as I have you. You are the only one that can completely make me happy. You are the only that makes me cross through time just to be with you. I would keep on searching for all the different you’s that I will get to meet in each passing time that you get to be reborn. And no matter how different you may look, sound, feel or person, to me, you will always be my Takaya, for all the times, for all the place, from this time to the next, I will love each and every different you I encounter. People say you come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. I have come to see through the invisible barrier you put up, and no matter how many illusion spells or enchantment you cast, I see you. I see the real you, Takaya…my Lord Kagetora. They often wonder what I see in you, that no matter the time or the place, or how many times you get to be reborn, each and every new lord I meet still bears a resemblance of the old you. Those rude remarks, the cold and aloof persona, all of these things are what really is precious to me. They may find it odd, or call you imperfect. But to me, this is the Takaya that I love. And though there are chosen few moments that I see the rare side of you, that laugh, smile or kind words, those are the treasures that I keep stored for all the me that gets to be reborn, the me that follows you through time, the me that loves you despite of all the you’s that resembles the you of old. This is what makes me complete. The Naoe of here and now, that loves the Takaya of then and when. It may not make sense or it may be confusing. But all I know is I love you. For all times, for all moments, and I will love you for all the future and the days that lies ahead. I will always, always be…one step behind, all you need to do is look back, and I’m there.
“I don’t want to love you because of who I am in the past, I don’t want to be with you because it is written somewhere that I need to be. The Kagetora you know and love is in the past, it is not me and can never be me. You are harboring these feelings for the wrong person. And I’m sorry I can’t accept it.” Takaya said.
Takaya had finally revealed his innermost thoughts and this is what he’s got to say to me. I remained silent. Finally realized the reason why he agreed to go with me alone on this trip so we can really talk.
“I don’t believe in all those bunch of crap you were telling me of my former life, my former self. Sure, I have powers, you have proven that. Yes, I have flashbacks of someone else’s memories, of someone who looks like me. They often say we do have a double somewhere, they could be in the same time as we are but probably in another place or you might have missed your doppelganger a minute or a second ago then you would have come face to face with yourself.” Takaya said.
All the while he was talking he was looking down, he wasn’t even glancing my way, as if I wasn’t there. And it hurts more. I would take back the old Takaya any time, the rude and crass boy I have come to know and love.
Takaya stood up and grabbed his jacket. “The adventure ends here, Naoe. This is the last time we would be together again. I’m going to live my life as I want and not be swayed by anything or anyone that is connected to my past, or my past life. I am cutting the link. I am severing the past that binds us. Good bye, Naoe. I wish I would have met you differently, then maybe I could have really fallen in love with you. Then maybe you could have fallen in love with just a boy named Takaya Ohgi. Please don’t try to contact me or any of my friends and family, if you really are in love with me, you would give me that.” Takaya said, he walked to the door, and left.
When the door to the motel room close, it felt it has closed for all eternity that no matter how many times I knocked on it, the person I had been waiting for to answer would be gone. That my calls would be unanswered that no matter how much I wait for him to come back, he isn’t coming. That no matter how long I stay, that door would be sealed for all eternity.
I knew then that this time he really means it. That he really didn’t want to see me anymore. He had been so different from the Takaya I have first met, the Takaya that resembles the old Kagetora.
For the past week of blissful heaven, Takaya agreed to go on the hunting trip with me to follow leads about the Hojo clan. He was laughing and smiling. He even allowed me to kiss him once. But I held myself back and didn’t push it. I was hoping that after this trip things would be different. That we would be different. That finally I can have him in this life time. But I was so wrong. I can wait another hundreds of years until he is reborn again. But Takaya was right. It won’t be the same, it won’t be him. The Kagetora that I have loved then, was not Takaya. My lord Kagetora has only hate in his heart, and he would never ever forgive me for what I had done to him. The Takaya of now had been kinder. He had decided to walk away and forget that we ever met.
I went back to the temple and arranged everything to pass it on to another heir, even all my duties, the house, the life of Yoshiaki Tachibana. I went away. Even if I die and get to be reborn again. I will turn my back on this life. I have finally ended my search. I have finally ended running after a man who don’t want to be chased, I have finally stopped looking for a man who doesn’t want to be found. I have finally stopped loving a man who will never ever love me. Yes, Takaya. Good bye.
Years had gone, even decades, I lost count. I had lost contact with Ayako and Chiaki. I had moved to America, studied to be a doctor. And with the other degrees that I have achieved, it was easy for me to just continue it.
Now, I’m just a regular intern in one of the hospitals in New York. I work the emergency care, it keeps me busy and functioning so I won’t have time to dwell on the past and my past life. In time, I had forgotten that I ever was Yoshiaki Tachibana, that I used to belong to the feudal era of Japan. That I have loved my master Kagetora Uesugi. Now I’m just Dr. Naoe Nabutsana, I have a cat and owns two condo units, one of them I lease out mostly to students from nearby universities.
“Doctor, we need your help!” one of the nurses called the tall brooding doctor, as a rush of people from the emergency door flooded.
I run after her to see what was wrong, they say it was a boy from the university, an accident in one of the chemistry class, he put the wrong dosage and the Bunsen burner exploded and almost blinded him. He also got cuts from the beakers when it showered him with shattered glass, some of the other students were also hurt but he was the one closes to the fire.
I stopped when I saw that said student. “Doctor, you’ve got to hurry, we need to check his vitals!” the nurse shouted, bring me back to reality.
Mechanically I attended to the victim he looked very much like Takaya Ohgi.
The other students were sent home after minor bruises. The one student was kept there for observation, we have to bandage his eyes to make sure we would be able to save it.
I was checking his charts. His name is the same, like some twisted nightmare that is haunting my quiet present, Takaya Ohgi. But this time he is nineteen, and an art student. No relatives. No sister. That part was different. Maybe they just have the same name, how many Takaya Ohgis are there in the world, that would happen to be an art student in New York? And who happen to be brought to the same hospital where I work. And to rubbed the wound raw, that they have to brought him on my shift and I have to be the attending physician. I wanted to give him to another doctor, but everyone else are fully booked at that moment. He had a minor concussion as the blast sent him flying and he hit his head pretty bad.
Kismet. Is there no God? Why is this happening to me? He didn’t want to see me. And I don’t want to be here when we remove the bandage to his eyes.
The covers shifted, I was surprised when a hand reached out and grabbed me. “Doctor?” he called.
I closed my eyes, I wanted to cry. I don’t want to answer him. The arm he was holding on to was shaking, I steeled myself. “Y-You’re going to be alright, you are in the hospital. We operated on your eyes, removed the shards of glass, I think we’ll be able to save your eyes.” I said, assuring him, patting his hand. I want to removed it but he held on, not letting go.
“Stay with me, I’m afraid of the dark.” Takaya said, gripping the arm tighter.
I made a sound at the back of my throat. “I-I will turn on the lights for you, I got rounds to do but I promise I will check on you again later.” I said.
“Please, doctor.” He pleaded, “Wait until I fall asleep.” He said.
“Alright.” I agreed to get him to let me go, “Go lie down.” I said, helping him back in bed, but still he won’t let go of my arm, making sure I won’t leave.
I watched him. The past that I thought I had left behind. The past that I wanted to forget. You don’t want me anymore, so how come its you who found me this time? Tears silently trails down my face. I find it difficult to breathe, my chest hurts. When he fell asleep, I got up.
“Good bye, Takaya.” I said, closing the door behind me.
I feigned sickness and took a leave from the hospital. I didn’t want to see him again. They told me that his eyesight was okay, that he would be discharged in a week’s time. I took that week and made sure I won’t be there when he leaves. It was just a chance meeting. I won’t let it happen again.
I was watching TV with my cat when the doorbell rang.
I stood immobile when I came face to face with him again.
He was smiling. Takaya was smiling. “Hi! I’m here about the studio apartment across the hall? The super said to ask you. Is it still available?” he asked.
I looked at him, to see if he was faking it. Or if his accident had given him a selective amnesia or he really doesn’t recognize me at all. I decided to pretend as well if he was playing a game to get back at me, I can play it too.
“Yes, it is, the rent is 3,500 per month, it’s fully furnished.” I said, still holding on to the door knob, not inviting him in.
“Doctor!” he said, and leaned forward to clamped me on the shoulder, I was shocked.
He laughed at my shocked face, “I recognized your voice, I’m your patient from the university, I begged you to stay with me when I woke in the middle of the night.” He explained.
“Oh. Yes. I remember now. Good to see that you are okay now.” I said flatly.
“Can I see the unit?” Takaya asked, smiling.
“Of course, give me a second.” I said, and walked to the counter to get the keys to next door. When I turned around he was already in my place, and was crouching down to play with the cat.
“Wow, is this place same as the one next door?” Takaya asked, grinning.
I was a little pissed, I wanted to drag him out. If he doesn’t remember or if he is faking it. I don’t care anymore. Maybe I understand it now, what Takaya was saying to me decades ago. I want my own life as well, not dictated by some unknown hand, not by fate, not by past. But I want to hold my future in my own hands, I want to run my own life, live it the way I want to.
“Yes, let’s go.” I said, simply.
I showed him the unit and he paid me cash upfront. I was a little surprise that a student have that a lot of money on him. I gave him the keys.
“Welcome to your new home.” I said, the receipt which I told myself I would just slipped it in his mailbox. I showed him where everything is, well, pointed to him where everything is. I don’t want to be with him so long.
After a week’s time, I developed a pattern of avoiding him, I timed my leaving the apartment so that I won’t be leaving at the same time or coming home and with him going out, or things like that. It had become such a pattern that I forgot that my Takaya Ohgi just live across from me. My Takaya? When did this boy became mine? But if I search inside myself, yes, he is mine. My home. Where my heart is. Because despite the fact that we drifted apart, I still left that part of me with him. That no matter how I try to act so indifferent, somewhere in the back of my mind or in the crevices of my heart, I still look for him. My soul cannot rest because he is my home. The only home I know. Links to everything about me. The home that I had built in my heart, forged and molded with love, patience and sacrifices, solidifying the foundation and when it was secure and protected from deceit and harm, I bestow it to him, for him to cherish and nourish. I thought after we parted, that somewhere along the way I would get it back. But I guess not. Because my home is nowhere else but him, my heart belongs to no one else but him, no matter what century, decade, time or place, no matter the changes, season or situation, name or title, it only knows one being…Takaya. Not Kagetora, but Takaya.
I for one never believed in fate or destiny. I am monk aside from a doctor and a former possessor. I possessed beings and named it as my own, but I haven’t changed for a number of decades, and Takaya is the same, after our parting. I thought I would not meet this Takaya again. I knew I was bound to meet my Lord Kagetora but not Takaya.
My anger to the boy had subsided over the months he had lived across from me, and we occasional talk when we happen to meet by accident at the gym, the mail room or chance upon each other at the coffee shop. On occasion still, he would managed to invite me to parties at his place, and I would go, for an hour or two.
I manage to meet the boy again, by accident this time. He looked so different, like there was something wrong with him, his eyes were puffy and red and he was swaying when he walked towards his apartment, I watched him for a minute as he fumbled with his keys. He was sobbing, I could hear him. I couldn’t help myself, I approached him.
“Takaya, is something wrong?” I asked, touching his shoulder.
He looked at me with his soulful eyes, he let out a sob and grabbed me for an embrace. He cried hard and almost collapse if I haven’t caught him. I brought him to my place and laid him on the bed. He was clutching a piece of paper. I pried it from his hand. It was a letter. It was from a hospital in Michigan. His mother died sometime during the night, she never recovered from a coma. I looked at him. And I felt his sadness, all my anger and wanting to stay away from him vanished right that moment. It seemed so childish now. That here is a nineteen year old boy who became a man over night. You could never tell that he was carrying that burden on his shoulder by the way he laugh and smile, how bright and bubbly he is. So much different from the sarcastic and dry humored Takaya of Japan. I pulled the covers around him, folded the letter and put it in his pocket, turned the lamp shade on before turning off the light, remembering he hates the dark. I sat there in the dark and watched him sleep. Pondering about fates and chanced meeting.
What am I going to do now? He is different. He is not the Takaya I know. Is this our second chance, second meeting? Is this the fate that he wanted? That I would fall in love with him and he would fall in love with me? But will he fall in love with me? I know I could, all he need to do is touch me and I am his.
He whimpered and I rushed to him, holding his hand. “Shhh…its alright, I am here. I will stay with you.” I said, gently.
“Naoe, hold me.” He begged. And right then and there, I fell in love with my Takaya all over again.
I left it to fate, as it started with an innocent kiss, then bodies molded and blend together in the dark, discovering nooks and crannies of each other’s bodies, fingers touched and caressed, lips kissed, skins touched. Two bodies meant to be together, made and molded for each other. We became one, calling each other’s name in the dark, filling each other’s need, healing old wounds and covering scars. I had forgot what we fought about, or have forgiven him, finally understanding what he meant back then. But this is not the same Takaya. This is the real one. The one that is meant for me. Does he have my heart? Does he have my home? But that time, I didn’t care. I was needed. And I needed him.
At first, the morning after, I thought he would move away from me. This is Takaya Ohgi after all. That no matter what form, he would always find a way to leave me. And I had resigned myself to forever following him.
“You think the earth revolves around you, do you?” he asked, so much like the sarcastic Takaya back in Japan, as we lay in bed, he had pulled away. But I persisted and held him tighter.
“Yes, you’re my only moon. My home. I cannot break away from my gravity, I traveled in one axis alone. And that is you, you are my course, my charts are only set to find you.” I replied as I nuzzled my head under his chin.
He sighed, touching my hair, “Your hair became wet.” He said.
“It’s wet. Because like the moon’s gravitational force controls earth’s high and low tides, you also controls my emotions.” I replied.
“Sweet talker, are you now, Dr. Naoe? You should be a poet.” He said, with a chuckle. He let out a sigh.
And shyly, he pulled me close, “Could you by any chance be available to go to Michigan with me? I would like to introduce you to my family.” He said, in a small voice.
“Of course, no place I would rather be than with you.” I said.
As the memories that would link us in the past were taken away from me, in their place were new memories, and new home, that would help me root my foundation more securely, this is the home that I would never ever leave.
Owari
There may not be enough words, or sometimes it feels like everything is one sided. Still I don’t care. I would hold on to everything that you would cast my way. Though at times, it seems on the surface you don’t really care. I wouldn’t need the world just as long as I have you. You are the only one that can completely make me happy. You are the only that makes me cross through time just to be with you. I would keep on searching for all the different you’s that I will get to meet in each passing time that you get to be reborn. And no matter how different you may look, sound, feel or person, to me, you will always be my Takaya, for all the times, for all the place, from this time to the next, I will love each and every different you I encounter. People say you come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. I have come to see through the invisible barrier you put up, and no matter how many illusion spells or enchantment you cast, I see you. I see the real you, Takaya…my Lord Kagetora. They often wonder what I see in you, that no matter the time or the place, or how many times you get to be reborn, each and every new lord I meet still bears a resemblance of the old you. Those rude remarks, the cold and aloof persona, all of these things are what really is precious to me. They may find it odd, or call you imperfect. But to me, this is the Takaya that I love. And though there are chosen few moments that I see the rare side of you, that laugh, smile or kind words, those are the treasures that I keep stored for all the me that gets to be reborn, the me that follows you through time, the me that loves you despite of all the you’s that resembles the you of old. This is what makes me complete. The Naoe of here and now, that loves the Takaya of then and when. It may not make sense or it may be confusing. But all I know is I love you. For all times, for all moments, and I will love you for all the future and the days that lies ahead. I will always, always be…one step behind, all you need to do is look back, and I’m there.
“I don’t want to love you because of who I am in the past, I don’t want to be with you because it is written somewhere that I need to be. The Kagetora you know and love is in the past, it is not me and can never be me. You are harboring these feelings for the wrong person. And I’m sorry I can’t accept it.” Takaya said.
Takaya had finally revealed his innermost thoughts and this is what he’s got to say to me. I remained silent. Finally realized the reason why he agreed to go with me alone on this trip so we can really talk.
“I don’t believe in all those bunch of crap you were telling me of my former life, my former self. Sure, I have powers, you have proven that. Yes, I have flashbacks of someone else’s memories, of someone who looks like me. They often say we do have a double somewhere, they could be in the same time as we are but probably in another place or you might have missed your doppelganger a minute or a second ago then you would have come face to face with yourself.” Takaya said.
All the while he was talking he was looking down, he wasn’t even glancing my way, as if I wasn’t there. And it hurts more. I would take back the old Takaya any time, the rude and crass boy I have come to know and love.
Takaya stood up and grabbed his jacket. “The adventure ends here, Naoe. This is the last time we would be together again. I’m going to live my life as I want and not be swayed by anything or anyone that is connected to my past, or my past life. I am cutting the link. I am severing the past that binds us. Good bye, Naoe. I wish I would have met you differently, then maybe I could have really fallen in love with you. Then maybe you could have fallen in love with just a boy named Takaya Ohgi. Please don’t try to contact me or any of my friends and family, if you really are in love with me, you would give me that.” Takaya said, he walked to the door, and left.
When the door to the motel room close, it felt it has closed for all eternity that no matter how many times I knocked on it, the person I had been waiting for to answer would be gone. That my calls would be unanswered that no matter how much I wait for him to come back, he isn’t coming. That no matter how long I stay, that door would be sealed for all eternity.
I knew then that this time he really means it. That he really didn’t want to see me anymore. He had been so different from the Takaya I have first met, the Takaya that resembles the old Kagetora.
For the past week of blissful heaven, Takaya agreed to go on the hunting trip with me to follow leads about the Hojo clan. He was laughing and smiling. He even allowed me to kiss him once. But I held myself back and didn’t push it. I was hoping that after this trip things would be different. That we would be different. That finally I can have him in this life time. But I was so wrong. I can wait another hundreds of years until he is reborn again. But Takaya was right. It won’t be the same, it won’t be him. The Kagetora that I have loved then, was not Takaya. My lord Kagetora has only hate in his heart, and he would never ever forgive me for what I had done to him. The Takaya of now had been kinder. He had decided to walk away and forget that we ever met.
I went back to the temple and arranged everything to pass it on to another heir, even all my duties, the house, the life of Yoshiaki Tachibana. I went away. Even if I die and get to be reborn again. I will turn my back on this life. I have finally ended my search. I have finally ended running after a man who don’t want to be chased, I have finally stopped looking for a man who doesn’t want to be found. I have finally stopped loving a man who will never ever love me. Yes, Takaya. Good bye.
Years had gone, even decades, I lost count. I had lost contact with Ayako and Chiaki. I had moved to America, studied to be a doctor. And with the other degrees that I have achieved, it was easy for me to just continue it.
Now, I’m just a regular intern in one of the hospitals in New York. I work the emergency care, it keeps me busy and functioning so I won’t have time to dwell on the past and my past life. In time, I had forgotten that I ever was Yoshiaki Tachibana, that I used to belong to the feudal era of Japan. That I have loved my master Kagetora Uesugi. Now I’m just Dr. Naoe Nabutsana, I have a cat and owns two condo units, one of them I lease out mostly to students from nearby universities.
“Doctor, we need your help!” one of the nurses called the tall brooding doctor, as a rush of people from the emergency door flooded.
I run after her to see what was wrong, they say it was a boy from the university, an accident in one of the chemistry class, he put the wrong dosage and the Bunsen burner exploded and almost blinded him. He also got cuts from the beakers when it showered him with shattered glass, some of the other students were also hurt but he was the one closes to the fire.
I stopped when I saw that said student. “Doctor, you’ve got to hurry, we need to check his vitals!” the nurse shouted, bring me back to reality.
Mechanically I attended to the victim he looked very much like Takaya Ohgi.
The other students were sent home after minor bruises. The one student was kept there for observation, we have to bandage his eyes to make sure we would be able to save it.
I was checking his charts. His name is the same, like some twisted nightmare that is haunting my quiet present, Takaya Ohgi. But this time he is nineteen, and an art student. No relatives. No sister. That part was different. Maybe they just have the same name, how many Takaya Ohgis are there in the world, that would happen to be an art student in New York? And who happen to be brought to the same hospital where I work. And to rubbed the wound raw, that they have to brought him on my shift and I have to be the attending physician. I wanted to give him to another doctor, but everyone else are fully booked at that moment. He had a minor concussion as the blast sent him flying and he hit his head pretty bad.
Kismet. Is there no God? Why is this happening to me? He didn’t want to see me. And I don’t want to be here when we remove the bandage to his eyes.
The covers shifted, I was surprised when a hand reached out and grabbed me. “Doctor?” he called.
I closed my eyes, I wanted to cry. I don’t want to answer him. The arm he was holding on to was shaking, I steeled myself. “Y-You’re going to be alright, you are in the hospital. We operated on your eyes, removed the shards of glass, I think we’ll be able to save your eyes.” I said, assuring him, patting his hand. I want to removed it but he held on, not letting go.
“Stay with me, I’m afraid of the dark.” Takaya said, gripping the arm tighter.
I made a sound at the back of my throat. “I-I will turn on the lights for you, I got rounds to do but I promise I will check on you again later.” I said.
“Please, doctor.” He pleaded, “Wait until I fall asleep.” He said.
“Alright.” I agreed to get him to let me go, “Go lie down.” I said, helping him back in bed, but still he won’t let go of my arm, making sure I won’t leave.
I watched him. The past that I thought I had left behind. The past that I wanted to forget. You don’t want me anymore, so how come its you who found me this time? Tears silently trails down my face. I find it difficult to breathe, my chest hurts. When he fell asleep, I got up.
“Good bye, Takaya.” I said, closing the door behind me.
I feigned sickness and took a leave from the hospital. I didn’t want to see him again. They told me that his eyesight was okay, that he would be discharged in a week’s time. I took that week and made sure I won’t be there when he leaves. It was just a chance meeting. I won’t let it happen again.
I was watching TV with my cat when the doorbell rang.
I stood immobile when I came face to face with him again.
He was smiling. Takaya was smiling. “Hi! I’m here about the studio apartment across the hall? The super said to ask you. Is it still available?” he asked.
I looked at him, to see if he was faking it. Or if his accident had given him a selective amnesia or he really doesn’t recognize me at all. I decided to pretend as well if he was playing a game to get back at me, I can play it too.
“Yes, it is, the rent is 3,500 per month, it’s fully furnished.” I said, still holding on to the door knob, not inviting him in.
“Doctor!” he said, and leaned forward to clamped me on the shoulder, I was shocked.
He laughed at my shocked face, “I recognized your voice, I’m your patient from the university, I begged you to stay with me when I woke in the middle of the night.” He explained.
“Oh. Yes. I remember now. Good to see that you are okay now.” I said flatly.
“Can I see the unit?” Takaya asked, smiling.
“Of course, give me a second.” I said, and walked to the counter to get the keys to next door. When I turned around he was already in my place, and was crouching down to play with the cat.
“Wow, is this place same as the one next door?” Takaya asked, grinning.
I was a little pissed, I wanted to drag him out. If he doesn’t remember or if he is faking it. I don’t care anymore. Maybe I understand it now, what Takaya was saying to me decades ago. I want my own life as well, not dictated by some unknown hand, not by fate, not by past. But I want to hold my future in my own hands, I want to run my own life, live it the way I want to.
“Yes, let’s go.” I said, simply.
I showed him the unit and he paid me cash upfront. I was a little surprise that a student have that a lot of money on him. I gave him the keys.
“Welcome to your new home.” I said, the receipt which I told myself I would just slipped it in his mailbox. I showed him where everything is, well, pointed to him where everything is. I don’t want to be with him so long.
After a week’s time, I developed a pattern of avoiding him, I timed my leaving the apartment so that I won’t be leaving at the same time or coming home and with him going out, or things like that. It had become such a pattern that I forgot that my Takaya Ohgi just live across from me. My Takaya? When did this boy became mine? But if I search inside myself, yes, he is mine. My home. Where my heart is. Because despite the fact that we drifted apart, I still left that part of me with him. That no matter how I try to act so indifferent, somewhere in the back of my mind or in the crevices of my heart, I still look for him. My soul cannot rest because he is my home. The only home I know. Links to everything about me. The home that I had built in my heart, forged and molded with love, patience and sacrifices, solidifying the foundation and when it was secure and protected from deceit and harm, I bestow it to him, for him to cherish and nourish. I thought after we parted, that somewhere along the way I would get it back. But I guess not. Because my home is nowhere else but him, my heart belongs to no one else but him, no matter what century, decade, time or place, no matter the changes, season or situation, name or title, it only knows one being…Takaya. Not Kagetora, but Takaya.
I for one never believed in fate or destiny. I am monk aside from a doctor and a former possessor. I possessed beings and named it as my own, but I haven’t changed for a number of decades, and Takaya is the same, after our parting. I thought I would not meet this Takaya again. I knew I was bound to meet my Lord Kagetora but not Takaya.
My anger to the boy had subsided over the months he had lived across from me, and we occasional talk when we happen to meet by accident at the gym, the mail room or chance upon each other at the coffee shop. On occasion still, he would managed to invite me to parties at his place, and I would go, for an hour or two.
I manage to meet the boy again, by accident this time. He looked so different, like there was something wrong with him, his eyes were puffy and red and he was swaying when he walked towards his apartment, I watched him for a minute as he fumbled with his keys. He was sobbing, I could hear him. I couldn’t help myself, I approached him.
“Takaya, is something wrong?” I asked, touching his shoulder.
He looked at me with his soulful eyes, he let out a sob and grabbed me for an embrace. He cried hard and almost collapse if I haven’t caught him. I brought him to my place and laid him on the bed. He was clutching a piece of paper. I pried it from his hand. It was a letter. It was from a hospital in Michigan. His mother died sometime during the night, she never recovered from a coma. I looked at him. And I felt his sadness, all my anger and wanting to stay away from him vanished right that moment. It seemed so childish now. That here is a nineteen year old boy who became a man over night. You could never tell that he was carrying that burden on his shoulder by the way he laugh and smile, how bright and bubbly he is. So much different from the sarcastic and dry humored Takaya of Japan. I pulled the covers around him, folded the letter and put it in his pocket, turned the lamp shade on before turning off the light, remembering he hates the dark. I sat there in the dark and watched him sleep. Pondering about fates and chanced meeting.
What am I going to do now? He is different. He is not the Takaya I know. Is this our second chance, second meeting? Is this the fate that he wanted? That I would fall in love with him and he would fall in love with me? But will he fall in love with me? I know I could, all he need to do is touch me and I am his.
He whimpered and I rushed to him, holding his hand. “Shhh…its alright, I am here. I will stay with you.” I said, gently.
“Naoe, hold me.” He begged. And right then and there, I fell in love with my Takaya all over again.
I left it to fate, as it started with an innocent kiss, then bodies molded and blend together in the dark, discovering nooks and crannies of each other’s bodies, fingers touched and caressed, lips kissed, skins touched. Two bodies meant to be together, made and molded for each other. We became one, calling each other’s name in the dark, filling each other’s need, healing old wounds and covering scars. I had forgot what we fought about, or have forgiven him, finally understanding what he meant back then. But this is not the same Takaya. This is the real one. The one that is meant for me. Does he have my heart? Does he have my home? But that time, I didn’t care. I was needed. And I needed him.
At first, the morning after, I thought he would move away from me. This is Takaya Ohgi after all. That no matter what form, he would always find a way to leave me. And I had resigned myself to forever following him.
“You think the earth revolves around you, do you?” he asked, so much like the sarcastic Takaya back in Japan, as we lay in bed, he had pulled away. But I persisted and held him tighter.
“Yes, you’re my only moon. My home. I cannot break away from my gravity, I traveled in one axis alone. And that is you, you are my course, my charts are only set to find you.” I replied as I nuzzled my head under his chin.
He sighed, touching my hair, “Your hair became wet.” He said.
“It’s wet. Because like the moon’s gravitational force controls earth’s high and low tides, you also controls my emotions.” I replied.
“Sweet talker, are you now, Dr. Naoe? You should be a poet.” He said, with a chuckle. He let out a sigh.
And shyly, he pulled me close, “Could you by any chance be available to go to Michigan with me? I would like to introduce you to my family.” He said, in a small voice.
“Of course, no place I would rather be than with you.” I said.
As the memories that would link us in the past were taken away from me, in their place were new memories, and new home, that would help me root my foundation more securely, this is the home that I would never ever leave.
Owari
I Miss You
I MISS YOU...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG AND WHY YOU DISAPPEARED. I WISH I COULD BRING YOU BACK AND BRING BACK WHAT WE HAD. I ONLY HAVE FEW FRIENDS. CHOSEN FRIENDS. I DON'T MIND LOSING SOME. BUT I MIND LOSING YOU. BECAUSE WHEN YOU'VE GONE, AS IF I GOT NOTHING LEFT. BECAUSE WHEN YOU'VE GONE YOU'VE TAKEN PART OF ME WITH YOU. A PART OF ME I CANNOT REPLACE. THE SAME WAY I CANNOT REPLACE YOU. YOU, WHO MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I NEED TO GO WITH MY LIFE BUT WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN THE REASON OF MY EXISTENCE IS YOU AND WHEN YOU'VE GONE, I GOT NO REASON TO LIVE FOR. YOU ARE MY LIFE, AND MY REASON.
PLEASE COME BACK. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION WITHOUT YOU. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE MYSELF AGAIN WITHOUT YOU.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS. THAT IS THE ONLY FEELING LEFT SINCE YOU'VE GONE.
PLEASE COME BACK. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION WITHOUT YOU. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE MYSELF AGAIN WITHOUT YOU.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS. THAT IS THE ONLY FEELING LEFT SINCE YOU'VE GONE.
My Dog Yuki
MOM, I'M COLD. COULDN'T FIND HIM. THEN I SNEAKED A PEEK AND THERE HE IS SNUGGLED INSIDE MY PILLOW! BECAUSE THE COMFORTER IS ALL LAID OUT, HE CAN'T BURROW IN SO OPT FOR THE PILLOW CASE. HEHE ^_^
HIDING FROM MOMMY -SADAKO STYLE-
WATCHA DOING, JAY?
THIS IS MY "GIVE ME SOME LOOK" IS IT WORKING?
YEP, THIS DOG IS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE
HIDEE-HOOO!!!
SHHH! I'M SLEEPING
HIDING FROM MOMMY -SADAKO STYLE-
WATCHA DOING, JAY?
THIS IS MY "GIVE ME SOME LOOK" IS IT WORKING?
YEP, THIS DOG IS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE
HIDEE-HOOO!!!
SHHH! I'M SLEEPING
Rick Springfield In Concert!
THE AWESOME AND UTTERLY SWEET RICK SPRINGFIELD IN PALM SPRINGS!!!! Woohhooo!!! I get to meet him and watch him in action!
